One of my clients (I’ll just call him Bob) met a woman (I’ll call her Elaine) in our club at his first Social. It was instant chemistry and they started dating immediately.
8 months later, Elaine is happy in her relationship and is talking about future plans that include marriage. Bob, on the other hand…. not so much. Just to clarify: Bob is very happy in the relationship with Elaine. However, Bob is terrified at the thought of meeting another woman after marrying Elaine and falling in love (or in lust) with her. Bob reminds me of a woman who walks into a store, falls in love with a dress and does not buy it because she thinks another store may carry something better. So off she goes: from store to store, looking at all the dresses and buying none. And for my male readers — think of it as buying a car: you test-drive a BMW, and you love it. But right next door is a Mercedes Dealership. So off you go to test-drive a Mercedes. And just when you think you may love the new one, you notice a Range Rover on your way home. Six months later, you are still driving your old Chevy because each car you test drive is better than the next. So you are continuing to test drive all of them — and buying none.
In today’s world of online dating, Bob is not alone in thinking that there is an endless pool of potential dates that he is yet to exhaust. All one has to do is click a button and test drive yet another shiny new toy. This one may be even better than the last — so why stop test-driving? The irony is that Bob really wants to settle down. He is in his early forties and is ready to getmarried and start a family. Bob is just not letting himself make a decision.
Bob has the need to keep test-driving. Bob’s case is severe — after a few coaching sessions, I recommended that he sees a professional therapist, which he is currently doing in the hopes of resolving his issues.
What about you? Are you letting your test-driving needs get in the way of your happiness? Let’s examine some of the signs:
1. Even though you’ve been seeing the same girl for 4 months, you have not deleted your Match.com profile.
2. You periodically text your ex-girlfriends “just to keep in touch.”
3. You find yourself fantasizing about life with random women you see on the street, wondering if it would be better than your current relationship.
4.You avoid conversations about commitment.
5. You justify your refusal to commit by saying that you would rather not have a relationship than have one you will need to break.
Sound familiar? If so, you may be talking yourself out of falling in love. If that’s the case — I recommend you consult a dating coach. It may be just a matter of a few dating behaviors on which you need to work. Or it could be something more deeply rooted, in which case therapy can be helpful. Whatever the case, please allow yourself to be helped. Allow yourself a chance to fall in love. You may like it!
Some of the most successful men I know become most helpless when it comes to approaching women. They can be the most charismatic conversationalists and powerful executives. When it comes to meeting women, however, they turn from industry giants into frightened little boys.
What makes matters worse is the fact that women expect men to lead, they expect men to take matters into their hands and make the first move. So if a man stumbles or hesitates, women are too quick to attribute it to lack of interest or intellect.
There are a number of reasons men have approach anxiety. Some are not sure how to start a conversation. Others may be intimidated by beautiful women. Some are just painfully shy around strangers. Still for others, there may be deep-seeded psychological issues that may need to be uncovered and treated through therapy. Answers and help may come from different sources and in different forms.
Here, are some quick and easy tips for you to try.
1. UNDERSTAND THE TARGET OF REJECTION. You are not being rejected. You are not being judged. The woman whom you just approached in a bar knows nothing about you. There may be a whole list of reasons why she said no: she had a bad day at work, she is not feeling well, she is married or has a boyfriend, etc. Whatever it is, she did not reject you because you are a bad or ugly person. She rejected you because at this moment, you were not what she needed in her life.
2. PREPARE. If you’re one of the people who never know what to say, prepare a few line openers at home and rehearse them. It is always best to rehearse in front of the mirror so that you may notice and eliminate many involuntary twitches and jerks that may look silly or unappealing.
3. DO NOT TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY. Lighten the mood by approaching a woman in a playful and flirtatious way. It is a lot more difficult for a woman to reject a guy who is willing to laugh at himself (be careful to not laugh too much, however, as you don’t want to present to her a village idiot).
4. NEVER APPROACH FROM AN INFERIOR PLACE. Think about it. You may just be the guy this woman wanted all her life. You know your worth. What you are offering her is priceless: love and relationship. If she turns it down, there will be another woman more than happy to accept it.
5. BE UNIQUE. Don’t approach a woman in a way everyone else does. You will become invisible and forgettable real quick. Give her a reason to want to talk to you. For example, instead of saying, ‘Hi, my name is Rick,’ you may open with ‘I hope you can help me. I am deciding on a birthday gift for my sister. It’s between a bracelet and an iPad. What do you think?’’ Women love being helpful as much as they love offering their opinion. Opening a conversation with a question, with a purpose, gives her an opportunity to shine that she is not likely to pass up.
6. BECOME IMMUNE TO REJECTION. Go out and get rejected. Many times over. Don’t have any delusions about it: it will be difficult in the beginning. Very difficult. However, the more you go through the process, the easier it will become. You will eventually become resistant to rejection. I promise.
7. PUT THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE! You are not solving world problems. You are not discovering cure for cancer. It is not a matter of life and death. You are just trying to start a conversation with a woman whom you do not know. That is it. How will your life be affected if she turns you down? Will you lose your job and become destitute? No. Will you lose custody of your children and never be allowed to see them again? No. Will you develop a terminal illness? No.
So remember: the next time you see a beautiful woman whom you would like to meet, don’t pass up your chance. Be prepared, be confident and be ready to meet the woman of your dreams.